lack of clarity; indistinctness:bewilderment; perplexity
This is the state that I feel my Father left me in. Yes, it is very easy to confuse me, always has been. Most of my friends and even strangers find it very amusing. The look that I get on my face, you can almost see the wheels turning in my head while I try to figure it out.
What I can't figure out is why my father did what he did. My sister tries to tell me that she truly believes my Father loved "her" and "she" loved him. But enough to allow "her" to distract him from his family and responsibilities??? They only really knew each other for eight months, he had been married for twenty seven years to my Mother. Can you possibly "fall" in love that quickly after you loose your soul mate?
My sister also believes that why he decided to marry "her" was to protect us emotionally and have someone else go through his decline. Well, he did quiet the opposite!!!! This threw a whole bunch other emotions in there that I could have done without, thank you very much!!!
Anger for one. I was so angry at "her". She is a doctor and supposedly well educated. Why did she accept his proposal, knowing that he was going to pass away very soon? She started to alienate us yet reached out to my half sister. A sibling who has no relationship with my father, nor did he have one with her. At least not the same kind of relationship my sister and I had with him. So "she" is diabolical enough to choose the weakest link, but she's really not a link. My sister and I have never had a relationship with my half sister and brother either. They were very young when my Father divorced their mother.
Angry that my Father made this decision to marry "her". Why???? Just having "her" in the picture has made things a mess. He left us to deal with that.
Angry at the clerk who issued the marriage licence. Angry at the so called priest that performed the ceremony. Angry at his lawyer that allowed him to sign that joke of a prenuptial agreement and not complete his will. Angry that everyone stood back and allowed this shit to happen!!!!!
So yes, my anger and confusion are mixed into this one.
Why did he do this? I'll never know. There was nothing I could do to stop it, I couldn't throw a temper tantrum like I did when we were in B.C. and he wanted her to join in us Yellowknife. Yes....I threw a mini temper tantrum, I am not ashamed.
Does he realize, wherever he may be, what kind of a mess he left?
I feel that there is little I can do, I have no control over the situation. We are at the mercy of lawyers, judges and affidavits now. "She" took half his ashes, then she wanted his work badge and passport, which we did not give her those two things. We had no control over the ashes. He supposedly told her she could have them. We composed a very simple obituary for him because that is what he wanted only to find out three months later she had pulled our obituary and wrote her own novel about him and excluded all of his children's names but added in there "his beloved wife". Is this my hopelessness....that "she" is never going disappear from our lives and I can't control it???? That "she" will be connected to my Father forever???? I know that I don't want to share my heaven with her so does that mean he won't be a part of it either????
As for denial....the last emotion of grief....I don't think I suffer from that. I had been preparing myself for this day and I was robbed, by that bitch. She never allowed us to be alone with him...even at the end while he lay motionless in his bed at hospice. I wasn't allowed to have that intimate father/daughter moment because she was there. Very intrusive bitch.
But I know that he knew I loved him dearly. This was and has been the hardest. I cry a lot. I miss him horribly.
Angry that my Father made this decision to marry "her". Why???? Just having "her" in the picture has made things a mess. He left us to deal with that.
Angry at the clerk who issued the marriage licence. Angry at the so called priest that performed the ceremony. Angry at his lawyer that allowed him to sign that joke of a prenuptial agreement and not complete his will. Angry that everyone stood back and allowed this shit to happen!!!!!
So yes, my anger and confusion are mixed into this one.
Why did he do this? I'll never know. There was nothing I could do to stop it, I couldn't throw a temper tantrum like I did when we were in B.C. and he wanted her to join in us Yellowknife. Yes....I threw a mini temper tantrum, I am not ashamed.
Does he realize, wherever he may be, what kind of a mess he left?
I feel that there is little I can do, I have no control over the situation. We are at the mercy of lawyers, judges and affidavits now. "She" took half his ashes, then she wanted his work badge and passport, which we did not give her those two things. We had no control over the ashes. He supposedly told her she could have them. We composed a very simple obituary for him because that is what he wanted only to find out three months later she had pulled our obituary and wrote her own novel about him and excluded all of his children's names but added in there "his beloved wife". Is this my hopelessness....that "she" is never going disappear from our lives and I can't control it???? That "she" will be connected to my Father forever???? I know that I don't want to share my heaven with her so does that mean he won't be a part of it either????
As for denial....the last emotion of grief....I don't think I suffer from that. I had been preparing myself for this day and I was robbed, by that bitch. She never allowed us to be alone with him...even at the end while he lay motionless in his bed at hospice. I wasn't allowed to have that intimate father/daughter moment because she was there. Very intrusive bitch.
But I know that he knew I loved him dearly. This was and has been the hardest. I cry a lot. I miss him horribly.
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