Today

Since I have been quarantined to my house for the past week, I have had the opportunity to just think and reflect.......and of course surf the internet. I have been staying awake until 2-3 a.m., thinking, reading, and listening to music. 


I somewhere along the past decade have lost my identity. I am a self confessed workaholic, mother, sister and up until recently a daughter.


Maybe this is where I am starting to feel lost. My daughter is 20, soon to be 21, so there are no more girl scout meetings, fast pitch games, dixie softball or productions to be watched on the high school stage. Am I suffering from empty nest syndrome even though she still lives with me???


I recently lost my Father to pancreatic cancer. Previous to that I lost my Mom (step-mother) to the same horrible cancer and I now find myself struggling with the fact that this is it....I am an a orphan. My Mum passed away eight years ago, unexpectedly, to a drug overdose. She was addicted to prescription drugs. But this another story for another day.


I am no longer an exciting individual. At least this is how I perceive myself, I could be wrong. I think back to my early twenties, and compare that decade to this new decade that I am getting ready to thrust myself into, both feet, but fear it. Ha!!!! Most people who know me would think this is not so. It is. 


I feel very alone without my parents. Someone once told me that the pain doesn't disappear but becomes bearable through time......liar. It has been two years since my Mom passed and it still feels like yesterday. I want to pick up the phone and call my Father only to realize that his old phone is now in my living room. No one can replace them, ever. But people can intrude on a family, cause huge disruption during the last moments of a parents life and only to extend it afterwards. Another story for another day.


Where do I begin to find myself again? I truly am lost....colledig.