DEFINITION OF GRIEF:
The emotional depiction of great loss accompanied by a sense of hopelessness, anguish, denial, anger and confusion
Hmmmm....which one do I suppose I am suffering from? It almost feels like I need to play "eenie meenie minie moe" with this one, or close my eyes and wherever my finger lands....I will choose that one!!!!
If only it were that simple.
I have lost a lot over the past decade. November 2003 my Mum passed away. February 2008 my sister passed away. August 2008 my Mom passed away. May 2010 my favourite uncle passed away. October 2010 my Father passed away. This is the hardest. My heart hurts. My feelings are very heavy and thick, with what???? I can't describe it.
I was recently in a car accident and had a CT scan performed. They discovered a tumour in my small bowel. Did I mention that my Father was first diagnosed with colon cancer before his other cancers? No, of course I didn't, we have just begun the roller coaster story of my life.
My path of life seems to be have been predetermined, or did I allow it to be? The tumour seems inevitable.. Eventually it was going to happen because my Fathers genetics are rampant through me.....so why bother? I should bother though.
Which is my biggest fear??? Becoming a drug addict (my Mum and my sister were both addicts) or being riddled with cancer and dieing that horrible death that I witnessed twice??
Ha!!! A drug addict I will never transpire....I am too tired to engage in that business and I do not care to loose control of senses. I like to be in control....that is where my inner conflict is. But that is for another day.
But the cancer I ask......does it matter what steps I take? Yes, I can quit smoking and start eating better. But really? The genetic makeup of it is already a part of my DNA, so it's just the waiting? Maybe this is part of my fear. Actually, it is.
For today I will choose hopelessness.
If only it were that simple.
I have lost a lot over the past decade. November 2003 my Mum passed away. February 2008 my sister passed away. August 2008 my Mom passed away. May 2010 my favourite uncle passed away. October 2010 my Father passed away. This is the hardest. My heart hurts. My feelings are very heavy and thick, with what???? I can't describe it.
I was recently in a car accident and had a CT scan performed. They discovered a tumour in my small bowel. Did I mention that my Father was first diagnosed with colon cancer before his other cancers? No, of course I didn't, we have just begun the roller coaster story of my life.
My path of life seems to be have been predetermined, or did I allow it to be? The tumour seems inevitable.. Eventually it was going to happen because my Fathers genetics are rampant through me.....so why bother? I should bother though.
Which is my biggest fear??? Becoming a drug addict (my Mum and my sister were both addicts) or being riddled with cancer and dieing that horrible death that I witnessed twice??
Ha!!! A drug addict I will never transpire....I am too tired to engage in that business and I do not care to loose control of senses. I like to be in control....that is where my inner conflict is. But that is for another day.
But the cancer I ask......does it matter what steps I take? Yes, I can quit smoking and start eating better. But really? The genetic makeup of it is already a part of my DNA, so it's just the waiting? Maybe this is part of my fear. Actually, it is.
For today I will choose hopelessness.
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